You Know You’re a Real Golfer When…


This is the first edition of 'You Know You're a Real Golfer When...' as there are soooo many of these little idiosyncracies.

How many do you and your pals do?


You find a tee in your pocket on a night out...

Normally as you go to the bar to get a round in and realise you've got less money than you thought you did. Two tees are normally accompanied by some scruffy receipts and your 10p you were using as a ball marker.


You know your home course post code and at least three different sites/apps to check for weather...

Because what else are you going to do during weekday evenings when the Mrs is watching the Kardashians?

Check the first site (normally BBC) then hoping for better elsewhere venture into a second and even third opinion on wind direction!


You’ve got at least three different currency’s money in your golf bag...

In an increasingly cashless society most of your coin collection is in your golf bag. Some may even be marking their balls with pesetas picked up on the 1994 lads trip to Marbella that we don't talk about anymore!


You keep score cards from different clubs you’ve played as a badge of honour...

'Oh what's this?' as you scramble through your bag on the first looking for pesetas to mark your ball with... 'Oh yeh, I've played the Brabazon, kept the scorecard actually.'

Conveniently can't remember what you shot though as the card is ineligible and has turned into that weird cardboard mush you only get in golf bags!


You HAVE to pick up and wiggle any women or children’s driver when you’re waiting in the queue of the pro shop... 

'Wonder how far I could hit this? Hahaha.' - Yeh, just worry about hitting your own one over 200 and straight first mate yeh?!


You can hear balls rolling around your boot when you drive around corners...

Normally dirty Pinnacles. Always one yellow one in there. Bloody annoying sound but still not worth actually cleaning the boot out like your Mrs asks for!

Golf balls boot.JPG

The only time you’re not dressed like a slob is on a golf course...

Weekend is Trackie B's on the sofa, or in the summer shorts and some dirty Havaianas... but get on the golf coure and you'll actually tuck your shirt in and wear a belt!


You start to use to use golf phrases in normal life...

Ever thought to yourself 'BIIITE' as a train rolls in to a platform? Described directions as a 'dogleg to the right' or even 'Turn left in a 7-iron'?


You’ve lied to a woman about your golfing abilities even though she has no idea what an ‘eagle’ even is...

Probably best to not even mention golf when speaking to women or trying to chat them up.

If you find yourself so short of lines that your start telling her about your up and down on 17 the other day or how you've been cut due to a lofty standard scratch... you are probably about to get pied!


I'm the Managing Editor at The Club. I like putting and Rioja. I dislike my low slice.