Golf clubs and their people up and down the country are all the same. But do you have one of these guys at your place?
The middle aged guy who goes on ‘holidays’ by himself to Vietnam and Thailand
‘Geoff’ is about 60, is clinging on to his hair and nobody is sure if he’s ever been married. He seems jovial enough but you know he’s into some weird shit and he lets on so much after a few beers.
Then the conversation gets a bit strange.
Geoff, we don’t need to hear about you dressing up in binbags with little Thai boys and girls.
The deluded 22-year old who still thinks he’s going to make it
‘Zane’ plays off five and can’t putt. His old man made a few quid in insurance and has funded him through 12,000 lessons.
He still lives at home and has an average girlfriend and gets most of his pleasure from an alignment stick.
He has a 2-year plan to make it on to Europro even though there are 13-year olds in the club who are better players than him.
Normally shoots 80.
The little rat juniors who live off cheesy chips and orange squash
‘Harry’ and his pals run around everywhere. Normally having putting comps for Mars Bars outside but when they’re in the clubhouse they are scatting about with orange squash or monopolising the snooker table.
They know when to go up to Dad who’s getting pissed at the bar to ask for a tenner to go get a sleeve of balls, even though they have loads because they go searching the rough or diving in the lake by 18.
The angry PGA pro pissed off he’s selling Mars Bars
‘Steve’ is livid and doesn’t want to hang around with the members too much. He either used to be Zane from above and handed in a dodgy card to get down to four and turn pro… or he was decent until he was 18 but went out and got pissed too much.
When he does chat to people he tells them about playing county with a tour player and how he used to beat him 4&3. Nobody listens, they just ask for a Mars Bar and a Lucozade.
The busy lady who stares and tuts at people
‘Sandra’ is like 65 and you don’t know whether she’s a Mum or Grandma but she’s pissed off about something. Maybe her three kids gave her too much grief growing up but now she’s rid of them she just goes to the golf club with her ‘friends’ and organises the Ladies’ Section.
Although none of her friends seem to like her because she takes it all too seriously and tuts at everyone. Especially the visitors and the juniors… Oh and anyone pissed in the bar.
‘Dave’ came down the club at 11am with all the best intentions of playing golf but then he got sidetracked. He had a couple of beers because the tee wasn’t free. Then his mate came in. Then that mate left and another came in.
Next thing you know and Dave is six pints deep by 2pm and the football is just coming on.
Now everyone is coming in from their medal rounds and Dave is stumbling about with his flies undone. Fair play though when he gets back he’s buying everyone drinks.
Dave has a slate worth £300.
The pest who chats up the barmaid whilst his wife/other half out shopping
‘Keith’ gets on well with Geoff and sometimes with Dave but isn’t as social. He just sits at the bar chatting to the 18-year old barmaid who’d prefer to be watching Keeping Up With The Kardashians and snapchatting with boys.
Unfortunately Henry is offering to buy her drinks and telling her how much she reminds him of his daughter before making extremely inappropriate comments about her figure and boasting about his holiday home in Spain that she is welcome at anytime.
The visitors who leave their clubs in weird places
They found some offer online and are a right ragtag bunch. On the course they were looking for balls 380 yards down the right of holes without luck, before walking through the club with their spikes on and leaving all their clubs right in front of the entrance.
Sandra nearly fell over them and tutted.
The bloke who thinks bringing his Mrs down on a Saturday is date night
‘John’ is a tight bastard who loves the lads. His Mrs is a divorcee who’s just happy to have a bloke so doesn’t complain too much when he brings her down the golf club for the night.
She just tends to sit there quietly smashing back loads of the house white whilst he chats shit with Dave
The bullshitter who says he’s a millionaire even though you saw him down Aldi
‘Colin’ is in ‘property’ and chats absolute shit. He flashes his money about in the golf club and talks about buying the new BMW i8 but for some reason he’s still driving the Ford Ka, which is apparently his other half’s runaround.
He’s on first name terms with Steven Gerrard and Vernon Kaye and once shot 66 around Sawgrass on a holiday there.
I'm the Managing Editor at The Club. I like putting and Rioja. I dislike my low slice.