The 80's Golfer

The 80's Golfer

No, not the guy that shows up wearing shoulder pads and leg warmers – although, if that does happen please send in a photo – you will be handsomely rewarded!
When you trudge off the course having shot yet another three figure score, you dream of the day that you can shoot in the 80’s. You picture it to be the epitome of serenity, caressing your ball around the course with complete control.
Eventually you make the necessary improvements and achieve your goal. You realise the difference between the two is eradicating repeat shots – penalty shots like three off the tee, taking two to get out of a bunker and the most frustrating of beginner mistakes - chunking the ball in front of you, creating brand new fairway bunkers each time.
Effectively, your bad shots have become slightly less awful.
What nobody tells you is that once you enter the 80’s, you enter a horrible 'groundhog-day' type world that you cannot escape from, it’s like golfing friend zone. A round in the 70’s and below is a distant dream, like a Tottenham fan (My editor) dreaming of winning the title. Like in a Premier League title race, there are many types of 80’s golfers…

The Leicester City Golfer

Chat shit, get cut.

This is the guy that always shoots around 100 but somehow showed up one day and miraculously shot a 78. Nobody knows how or why this occurred, it was a complete freak of nature.

Maybe it was the new driver or the swing tip he got from a YouTube video, we’ll never know. All we know now is that he’s back to shooting in the 100’s and doesn’t care because he’s been to the promised land and can tell stories of it forever.

 The Arsenal Golfer

Selfie taken shortly after League Cup win at home to Gillingham (probably)

All the ability in the world – the type of player that stands on the first tee and unleashes the most wondrous of drives, a drive that makes those standing on the tee immediately accuse him of being a bandit.

The next seven or eight holes continue in that vein, towering iron shots, delicate chips – he’s even holing putts! But then… on the eighth tee, he looks at his scorecard and does some mental arithmetic. The scene resembles the Arsenal team room when they see the league table in January and get giddy. The tika-taka golf disappears and he begins to hack his way in to the clubhouse to record another 82.

The Tottenham Golfer

ED - It hurts me but everything below is true!

Lovely looking swing, decent enough putter too. There’s a few shots throughout the round that wouldn’t look out of place at a European Tour event, but rarely threatens below the mid 80’s.

The Everton Golfer

Definitely high 80s!

 A 90’s golfer really, but can just find themselves gliding into the 80’s every now and again.

The Chelsea / Man City Golfer

Has anyone ever heard Abramovich speak?

Won’t be an 80’s golfer for long. His dad once designed a font that is now used by Microsoft and so wipes his arse in £20 notes. Always has the latest kit, four lessons a week with the local Butch Harmon and plays golf twice a day.

This fella is just passing through in his Rover Sport on his way to the promised land, to the 70’s maybe even the odd 60’s score thrown in there. Other people that fall into this category are retired sportsmen who all have loads of money and way too much time on their hands.

Liverpool Golfer

Last time Liverpool won the league Rory McIlroy was sperm

Was club champion four years in a row from 1979-1982. Held the course record for many years but now a shadow of the golfer he once was.

Still tries to pretend he can mix it with the big lads but has lost a few yards of the tee, putts like your blind grandmother and as much as he may flirt with a low 80’s round every so often he’s forever held in mediocrity now. Beware of this type of golfer, playing with them will mean hearing stories of how great he used to be…

The Manchester United Golfer

Phil Neville should never stand next to David Beckham

Tiger Woods – once was the greatest we’ve ever seen, doing things we didn’t dream were possible. For now, languishes in obscurity, but one day, maybe even one day soon, could make the climb back up…

In truth, most golfer’s that shoot in the 80’s consistently have all the right parts to do much better, we just struggle to put them together on the same day.

This winter my goals are to work on consistency and putting as a path to escape this world of repeated 80’s rounds! If I find my out, look for an open top bus parade through Swansea!

I'm a writer for #GCW. I like to pretend I'm good at golf and writing because I'm not ready to accept the truth about either...