The weather is turning and we can almost smell the azaleas at Augusta. That means one thing, it’s time to dust off the sticks and get back out on the course…
"I haven't hit a ball in three months"
This lack of golfing down to a mix of Christmas shopping, sopping wet conditions and you generally not being asked really doesn’t make much of a difference.
Let’s be honest you weren’t exactly striping it in November, come to think of it that time you got 38 points in July was mostly down to luck, so your lack of serious range time doesn’t mean shit.
“I’ve forgotten how to swing”
Nah mate, you never could in the first place. The fact you are now hitting snap hooks rather than that disgusting block from last season is just the symptoms of one of about 28 swing glitches you have aswell as a severe lack of natural ability.
“The short game is the first thing that goes”
Yeh, because you were Seve last season weren’t you. Up and down from the car park, the cart path and behind trees.
But now you can’t get out of the greenside bunker in less than four because you haven’t got that world famous feel back… give it a rest!
“These greens aren’t like I remember them”
While you’ve been sat on your arse and having sly wanks over Kim Kardashian selfies the greenkeeper has been painstakingly in his office for the past few months.
Somehow attempting to keep tiny bits of grass perfectly even and spotless whilst the British weather absolutely hammers him with biblical rain, not to mention that random badger population that seems to have moved in.
You missed the putt you bellend, get over it!
“I’m not normally this bad”
You’ve spunked your handicap in five holes and your playing partners are a combination of slightly embarrassed/taking the piss out of you behind your back.
If you’ve played with them before they probably know you’re bang average, if you haven’t they might not ask you back.
Just remember the more excuses you make, the more of a dick you look.
“I’m going to try to get cut four shots this season”
You’ve seen the pros in Dubai and California absolutely killing it so you think it can’t be too hard to get chopped a few.
You plan out lessons, sign up for a few tournaments and even think about hitting the range to work on some things.
Get real. Your Mrs is gonna veto most of this, your club pro either doesn’t know his arse from his elbow or doesn’t give a shit about you and… you’ve said the same for the past 15 years and should know better!
“That new barmaid is fit”
Your dreams are dashed on the course and you realise you are still, and will remain, awful.
This is where you realise why you play. To get out of the house, have a laugh with your mates and have a beer afterwards… staring at something that is as unattainable as that handicap cut, the smoking 19-year old barmaid.
I'm the Managing Editor at The Club. I like putting and Rioja. I dislike my low slice.